ANNUAL SPOOF OF OSCAR NIGHT 2010By: Jason Travis
The sun was blazing hot and plenty of limos were already honking their arrivals as Joan Rivers planted herself on the red carpet. She was ready for business, and even had on her Sunday best.
“We’re standing here waiting for the whores to arrive so I can tell them they all suck!” Chuckles echoed from her camera crew. “That’s right people, you all sucked big time this year! So much, that Oscar voters had to expand the nominees to 10 just so Pixar and Peter Jackson could jerk off together.”
Speaking of Pixar, their new release was already in the works. Simply titled US, it told the story of two loners who find love in the mountains by sharing the wilderness together. The loners, by the way, were a rabbit and a squirrel. Peter Travers grumbled “Simplicity seems to be the key for Pixar, as each year brings us more simplistic storylines. But this movie bored me to oblivion.” Nonetheless a spokesperson was on hand to talk to Joan.
“What do you think your chances are for winning tonight for UP?” Rivers asked.
“Well I’d say they’re DOWN tonight Joan.” Rivers didn’t crack a smile, but instead proceeded to her insulting mode.
“Did anyone ever tell you I thought your film was about Viagra?”
Mo’Nique was next, wearing a purple sequined Gucci with bright red lipstick, and dyed white hair.
“Oh my God, it’s Ursula!” Screamed Joan. “What in balls are you wearing?”
“Baby, this is a dress. I should ask you what you’re smoking.” Mo’Nique snapped.
“Nothing, my dealer isn’t here yet.” Joan was having a fun time, but E! cameras started censoring her language. “MoNique, you played the mother from hell this year. Did you ever throw a air conditioner at one of your own kids?”
“My manager can answer any more questions you have.” Mo’Nique glided away, and her manager, who was of course her pompous husband, ignored Rivers and walked with his wife. Rivers didn’t care though, since Nicole Kidman was coming up to her.
“Nicole, darling. You look fabulous. And the Botox doesn’t show tonight.”
“Joan, you’re always so funny.” Kidman said in her modest voice.
“Are you presenting tonight or just walking around like a giraffe?”
“Actually I’m supposed to talk to Tom tonight about the kids. But I can’t find him anywhere.”
“Check in-between Penelope Cruz’s thighs.” Joan laughed at this quip, but even the camera people made faces, and Kidman seemed peeved and found another reporter to talk to.
Christoph Waltz made his way over to Joan, who seemed restless.
“Who are you?” Joan asked dryly.
“Christoph, from INGLOURIOUS BASTERDS.”
“Oh, don’t know you and you sound boring. Next.”
Sandra Bullock was next indeed, and she looked amazing. Her hair slicked back, and a gorgeous light blue gown with embodied diamonds, she truly looked like the Queen of the evening.
“Sandra ****ing Bullock. You’re on fire right now, how do you feel?” Asked Joan, excited she could finally interview a real star.
“Hot!” Laughed Bullock. “It’s over ninety right now, and I’m scorching. I just hope the Kodak is as cool as my movie was.”
“Darling nothing could be as cool. I loved that you played a character America has never seen before. Rich white Republican saving a poor black soul, it just hasn’t been done.”
“We had a good script and a real great cast.”
“Who did you like working with the best?”
“Uh…damn, let’s see…you know, I’d have to go check IMBD for the cast list, it’s just so hard, being I was the only star in it.” Bullock laughed and snorted, succumbing to her Miss Congeniality character. Rivers stood with mic in hand, looking dumbfounded.
“Have a nice time doing lines in the bathroom sweetheart.” Joan wanted to move on.
Security was starting to escort everyone into the Kodak, but Rivers was looking for one more star to interview.
Meryl Streep suddenly appeared with her daughter in one arm, and Kanye West in the other. She had her sunglasses on and appeared stone faced. Reporters tried to scream for her, but they were greeted with the backs of the trio as they headed inside. Rivers seemed disappointed, but then looked into the camera and said “Good luck tonight everyone, and where’s George Clooney? Just because Betty White screwed him doesn’t mean I can’t get in on the action.”
When the show began, Steve Martin and a VERY bloated Alec Baldwin entered the stage. The applause was polite, but not as boisterous as the producers had hoped. Baldwin began.
“Good evening folks. Welcome to the 82nd Academy Awards. Before Steve and I begin, I just wanna say that I am officially on suicide watch for the evening.” No one laughed, but there was some commotion- Anna Kendrick was just taking her seat to the annoyance of some people behind her.
“This year the academy has opted to nominate 10 films for best picture, instead of 5. What’s next- nominating badly reviewed films with dumb social messages like THE BLIND SIDE?” This one made some people chuckle, but the camera had better fun getting a glimpse of Sandra Bullock looking unpleased.
“Meryl Streep is up for her 16th nomination ladies and gentleman.” Martin said, to thunderous applause. Streep brushed the applause away and giddily leaned towards her daughter. This irritated Peter Travers, who wrote, “How many times does the camera have to show Streep leaning sideways and laughing? Enough.”
After Martin and Baldwin did a four minute bit on what the movies meant to them- which mainly consisted of showing clips from their own films- Penelope Cruz glided on stage in a sexy number deemed best of the night by Variety.
“This year, quality is best for men. Men of war. Men of hope. Men of country. Nominees are…” Most people seemed confused by Cruz’s stumbling English, and Mark Caro noted ‘Cruz should be thankful she’s hot enough that people don’t care what she’s saying.’
The Oscar went to the obvious- Christoph Waltz. The clapping stopped before he had gotten out of his seat, and coughs could be heard as he began:
“When I won the Globe, I was in my Hollywood mode. When you accepted me into the acting world with my SAG, I was into the theater. But tonight is different. Tonight you honor me not only as an actor. Not only as a star. But as a God.”
The music cut Waltz off before he could get rather long list (or as Tom O’Neil called it, “a scroll”) of names.
The next amount of awards went mainly to AVATAR or THE HURT LOCKER, making no one have a clue on what the future evening would bring. UP took original score, though CRAZY HEART lost the song Oscar to one of the tune’s from THE PRINCESS & THE FROG- apparently presenter Mariah Carey forgot to name which song though, and the production crew was too lazy to list the name of the tune on screen.
Oprah Winfrey came on stage to present Best Supporting Actress, and by the time she was done rattling off the standard speech of introduction, Mo’Nique was already getting out of her seat and whisper-screaming to her husband/manager: “Hand me my damn speech now, I don’t have all night! And what ya’ll lookin’ at?” The ‘ya’lls’ happened to be two of her fellow nominees- Kendrick and Vera Farmiga, who both had bemused looks on their faces.
The Oscar indeed went to the diva comedienne, who got to the stage and fake-hugged Oprah before facing her crowd.
“My brothers and sisters…” The camera cut to Morgan Freeman shaking is head in agony. “This is for one man, and one man only. The immensely talented, and inventively stimulating Lee Daniels.” Polite applause. “When you confabulate to me your true gifts as a director, I commend you. You about the business. And speaking of business, yes I do need to get paid to come here. As a professional actor, never do anything for free! God bless you and good night.” The applause was fair, but Oprah was not looking happy. Backstage, as Mo’Nique ignored the press room, Oprah told reporters “It’s a shame I plugged for her all season, and the only name out of her mouth is that rookie?”
The screenplay awards went to UP IN THE AIR and THE HURT LOCKER. The latter received thunderous applause, but Quentin Tarantino was not happy. During a commercial break, he was overheard telling another fellow nominee “I can’t believe those bastards beat me.”
Barbra Streisand was ready to present best director, though not before cursing out two stage hands who had apparently forgotten to put white roses in her dressing room: “I asked for white, and these idiots bring pink. Morons. We’re dealing with total morons.”
On stage, Streisand congratulated the best director nominated men first before doing a literal song and dance for the woman. Spinning around a few times and singing the first few chords from “People”, the music legend looked just about as moronic as the two stage hands she had previously scolded.
The Oscar went to the woman, and it was the longest standing ovation of the night. Bigelow seemed pretty overwhelmed as she took the Oscar from a beaming Streisand, who still was able to make it her moment by quickly saying in the mic “This really should have been MINE first.” Bigelow looked a bit unnerved by Barbra before proceeding to thank the cast and crew. Cameron was not mentioned.
Kate Winslet glided on stage in a dress Variety deemed “inappropriate even for Lil’ Kim.” The Oscar winner was wearing a skin-tight, see-through gown that seemed a bit…frumpy. To cover her nipples, Winslet had placed glow in the dark sea shells. “Tyra Banks needs to tell Winslet to change ASAP!” Complained a backstage PA.
“Before I announce the nominees for Best Actor, I’d like to see if my father is in audience. Dad, whistle!” Unfortunately there was dead silence. Winslet, looking frantically around as if she was trying to relive her Oscar speech, started turning visibly red. Chicago Tribune reported “you could see the worried expression on her pudgy face grow, and apparently getting nervous on stage does have its affect- her nipple shells started glowing like crazy.”
Winslet wiped the sweat off her face, and proceeded to business. “The nominees for best performance by an actor in a leading role are…” After the clips played, Winslet ripped open the envelope with her teeth in a sexual manner, giggling “I’m a hideous kinky tonight.”
The Oscar went to Jeff Bridges, and the veteran actor was given the night’s third standing ovation. When he got to the stage, Winslet tried to embrace him but he mumbled something under the lines of “Back up tart”, and grabbed his award.
“This is for all the dumb folks who said I would never stand up here tonight. To all the people who think actors don’t matter, and that it’s the directors and writers that make the film. Well are they holding an Oscar tonight?” The camera cut to Katheryn Bigelow holding her statue and nodding. “And thanks to Pa. You always had whiskey for us after dinner.” The claps seemed muddled and many people stated that Bridges must have been pretty plastered with his Dad’s drink.
Sean Penn headed on stage, and as he did bloggers around the world started typing “OMG! God, I can’t handle it.” Jason Travis went to the kitchen, grabbed a shot glass and bottle of Grey Goose, and then took a huge swig from the bottle. The audience silenced. The air was calm. Somewhere in China a little girl played with her dolls.
“And so it has come down to this. All five women nominated for Best Actress in a Leading Role have given extraordinary performances. They’ve climbed hills. They’ve beaten the odds. They’ve-“
“Just get to the ****ing award!” Screamed an unidentified drunk bleacher fan.
“Very well…” Smiled Penn. The audience laughed at Penn’s coolness, and applauded and hooted. The camera cut to Carey Mulligan, who was rolling her eyes.
“The nominees are…Sandra Bullock in THE BLIND SIDE (huge applause and hoots. Bullock was sitting at the edge of her seat, her heels already off. She was, according to Roger Ebert, ‘ready to spring to the podium.’) Helen Mirren in THE LAST STATION…(polite claps, Mirren was whispering something to Plummer)…Carey Mulligan in AN EDUCATION (strong claps, Mulligan sits with her face close to tears)…Gabby Sidibe in PRECIOUS (big whoops and claps, Gabby is all smiles)…and Meryl Streep in JULIE & JULIA (whoops and cheers, “Come on Meryl!” is heard, though its from her husband. Meryl sits stone faced, West and her daughter also poker faced.)
“The Oscar goes to…” Penn opened the envelope, looked at its contents and appeared confused. “There seems to be a typo of some sort, because Sandra Bullock’s name is in here, and-“ Penn was cut off by thunderous applause as the audience leapt to its feet and a ticked off looking Bullock tried to brush off Penn’s rude comment and headed to the stage. Security was already escorting Kanye West out of the theater, since apparently he wasn’t quick enough to crash the podium.
As Bullock took her Oscar from a ticked off looking Sean Penn, the continued hoots of love made her smile.
“Oh my. Thank you members of the academy. I’m not worthy of such an honor and I’m a bad actress.” The camera cut to Helen Mirren, who mouthed “yes dear”.
“And I know we all should be bowing before the greatest there ever was…” Streep started modestly waving towards the camera and laughing, until Bullock finished with “…and that’s my acting coach who couldn’t be here tonight. My God, is she brilliant though. Thanks to the distributor who did BLIND SIDE, and blah blah blah all the other little folks.” The audience seemed less happy now. “Oh, and I just want to say that earlier this week I donated $1 million to the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences…not to say I ‘bribed’ my way into winning this, but it sure seems like a coincidence huh?” Snorting loudly between laughs, Bullock was oblivious to the sudden change of atmosphere in the theater. The best actress also glided backstage with more immensity and coldness then previously.
“Congratulations!” exclaimed an excited production assistant to Bullock.
“Uh thanks, could you be any louder?” Bullock snapped.
“Ms. Bullock, we should take you to the press room.” Said another PA.
“Well that’s totally something I wouldn’t have thought of. Give these guys a raise, quick.”
Reports began streaming that once Bullock claimed the best actress Oscar, Streep immediately left the Kodak with her crew. When some fans tried to stop the goddess for an autograph, she simply told her daughter to handle the situation. The daughter did more then that- she began signing everyone’s book or photo of the actress with the inscription “The Next Meryl- I’ll have an Oscar before my Mom!”
If that wasn’t bad enough, awards sites were being bombarded with bloggers going insane. The Streepers, now deemed “Weepers”, blogged mainly chunks of dialogue consisting of “**** Sandra Bullock, and **** the Oscars.” But one blogger was a little more precise: “Tonight I will end my life. I have no reason to go on now that the academy has decided to give their highest honor to a 45 year-old naïf whose biggest talent is to give exceptional oral sex to 6,000 voters.”
The commotion over the best actress results was causing audience members to grow restless. It was a good thing Jack Nicholson was coming on stage to announce the final award of the night.
“I hear Sandra Bullock is going to CRASH at Meryl Streep’s house tonight.” Nicholson smiled through his shades as the audience clapped and whistled.
After rattling off the ten nominees for Best Picture, Nicholson tore open the envelope to reveal the final decision. “The Oscar goes to…UP……….In the Air!”
The pause that Nicholson made before being cute had caused the entire Pixar crew plus producer Jonas Rivera to head to the stage in laughter and joy. Apparently the arrogant team didn’t realize the miscommunication. Nicholson tried to say “Fellas, look…” but it was too late.
“Wow, an animated film has finally won!” Rivera was close to tears of emotional joy. “UP had a lot to do with the loss of my own Grandmother, who…” Interrupting this landmark speech was of course Jason Reitman, Daniel Dubiecki and Ivan Reitman.
“Jonas, cut it out and hand over the Oscar.” Jason was smiling but extremely red in the face. According to Peter Travers, “Reitman’s face made Winslet’s earlier incident look practically pale.”
But Jonas was oblivious to all the commotion, and to the Price Waterhouse man making his way to the center of the stage to make a very embarrassing declaration.
“My Grandmother loved balloons. She used to let us kids play with them, though my brother’s love for them turned more into a fetish later on…”
“Excuse me…” The member of Price Waterhouse took Rivera’s mic from him. “I’d like to say that the correct winner for tonight’s Best Picture winner is indeed UP IN THE AIR. Sorry for the misunderstanding.”
The audience was not clapping, more so because they were so into the ruckus that was about to get uglier on stage.
“Huh?” Rivera made his response sound dumb and ignorant.
“You didn’t win Best Picture Jonas, stop being a dick and go sit back down!” Jason Reitman was now sounding about as childish as he did in film school.
“Yes I did win. Jack Nicholson just announced it.” Rivera was clueless. Jack was standing back now, laughing and flirting with the envelope women.
As the house lights went up, and everyone got their things to leave, the commotion on stage continued. According to the LA Times, the matter wasn’t settled until Reitman shrugged his shoulders and “drop kicked Rivera to the floor, took the Oscar and wrote ‘Up in my Ass’ on the unconscious producer’s face.” Needless to say, the Oscars ended with the highest ratings ever.
Thanks for watching everyone, and have a blast with your Oscar celebration on March 7!
